trust:tact

The heart beats the same as it always has. Some times slow and steady, other times fast and frantic. Today, it’s slow and steady, a little heavy, but she’s still beating. She continues to beat even when I ask her to stop because it hurts the way it does when life happens. But today, its “steady as she goes”.

I was reminded last night, something about trust, something about life.
I was reminded that my heart is above all else, desperately wicked, and that I don’t know it. I was reminded that I don’t trust myself, and unfortunately it translates into me not trusting in God or people. Then I was reminded that somehow it is idolatry. That maybe it isn’t up to me trusting my heart, but really the issue resides somewhere else, where some need has gone unmet, by the only one that can meet it. And presently I am on this blindfolded journey to this mysterious conclusion as to what that might possibly be.

Maybe if I weren’t so melancholy about everything (other than laughing) it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But of course I must over-analyze all of it and therefore pull something apart that maybe doesn’t need to be dismantled.

Simply stated: Trust God.
Such a huge statement. I honestly don’t know how people do it honestly. I have such a wrestle with it that I can only believe that people aren’t telling the whole truth (as sometimes I do while I am talking “victoriously”) and they struggle with it, maybe not as much as I do, but at least more than they let on.

And not that it matters about them anyway. What matters at this moment is me and Jesus: me and my Father.

I had a somewhat jarring reality check last night with honesty and transparency. Someone said something to me that seemed inappropriate and out of context, and knowing their heart I realized they wanted just to be completely honest and forthcoming. And I sadly remembered a time when I was not as tactful as I am now (Yes, I was much worse than I am now…if you can believe it), sadly because I felt more integrity in myself, more honest about who I was when I had less tact. Not that I do not have integrity now, it is in different form I guess.

I wonder if the thing that drives tactlessness for the sake of “I’m just being honest” is from the need to be known and loved. That’s most likely what it was for me. I just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was at that moment. But then the problem becomes this: what if people love you in ways that you may not recognize as love in the way you receive it, and therefore by placing a “burden of truth” on them for the sake of “honesty and love” you are pushing them away from you.

I don’t know if any of this is lucid at all. Just asking some questions, as usual.