"Amusing"

They call me "amusing" because, well, I am amusing. Some have called me hilarious, some funny, some even witty and charming. But what it is about these labels that I have gathered collectively in my caldrun of disappointing words is that they fit my behavior so well.

I am a funny person. I was born with a funny bone. My first cognative memory was of me laughing before I was even a year old. But I use funny as a mask, I use it like any other tool a person might use in their self-defense "bag of tricks". I love to be funny, but I also loath it. It seems to me that I have just become an icon of funny fat girl. And that doesn't do me justice. But it is the fault of no one but me. I am the one that turns it on in full force when someone is around that I can throw some wit at or bantor with.

What is the real issue here? Can I be accepted in whole for who I am without having to ham it up with the newbies? Am I still trying to get them to laugh with me instead of at me? The whole thing makes me a little ill. Even though it is good clean fun, there is some weird sort of let down when the person who was the reason all this wit was flying around leaves, and there is a large vacuum. Why the let down? Why the slap on the forehead or over the mouth in horror of what just insued. It was mass hilarity, but at what expense? Do I think that I can try to get someone to look past the way I look and decide that they can deal with having me in thier life because I am funny? Because otherwise, as one of my roommates said (before she was my roommate), "your contagious laughter makes you bearable". Yikes. How'd you like to go around with that hanging over you? "Be funny, laugh, people will like you" "get them to laugh with you, before they can laugh at you" These words still haunt me, said so long ago.

Guile: Craftiness, the quaility of being crafty...or just plain shadey.

I don't know why I feel like that word fits, maybe it is just all the things that I am working through lately. One of them being my exchange of hope in truth to guile. I always knew I had guile in me. I think that you always have to watch a person who is crafty with the turn of a word or dry wit. Those people often times have too much in their head for thier own good. You've probably never met a really innocent person who is witty or has a knack with dry humor. Those types have some unspoken, uneasy treaty with the world. One step to far and you are rude, insensitive and inappropriate. Not far enough and you are just dumb. It isn't like I sit up at night thinking about this stuff. Well. Except for tonight.

I want someone who will love me for my sharp mind and wit, for my impecible timing and singing voice (read: modesty). But those are obvious externals. Were someone to press past these things that often times make me "one of the guys", "like a kid sister", "who is your friend? Will you introduce me?", they would find the deep well that is my heart.

I don't know if I will ever reign this part of me in. I really enjoy a good round with someone in the wit ring or sometimes the silly circus. But often times I don't think they know what to do with me. I get put into the "safe" catagory because I am not a viable threat in sexiness. But you know what? I don't want to be safe anymore. I am sick of people taking me at my inital actions with them, thinking I am that way all the time. I am even more sick of myself when I fall into autopilot.