I can't sleep

So, here I am again. It's late. I want to sleep, but it is not happening for me at the moment. I say and FEEL such dramatic things when I am PMSing. I end relationships, I cry about things lost, I make broad sweeping statements that may or may not be true...oh wait...I do that all the time.

As you may have picked up: I am PMSing. It really is amazing. Some people think I should get on birth control because I have such intense PMS. I, don't think of me as sick, sort of like my broad mood swings. It sort of defines me. I cringe as I write this. Am I going to hate myself in the morning for what I am saying now? I already sent a myspace message tonight that I am going to regret (speaking of ending relationships) later.

Anyway, as I was saying. Mood swings. If I can warn people in advance perhaps they are not so bad? Okay. So I know that ALL of my roommates would STRONGLY disagree with me. Even if you warn people that you are PMSing or whatever, feelings still get hurt. But why should a person go on meds just to prevent feelings from getting hurt? I don't know. I don't think that it is the solution that I am looking for at the moment. I think I need to eat better and stay away from artifical hormones that are snuck into our foods.

I did have milk this week. That must be it!

What can I give that is extravegent, but not self-gratifying? Is it possible to give without feeling a sense of self-gratification for giving? I hate that about myself. Here's a little tidbit: I love to give because it feels so good. But when I can't give something, I often times can't figure out my role. I give when I don't have anything to give, because I at least have a role. Sick. I know. What is even more sick is when I realize this about certian people in my life that I have been doing this to. I often times have no other foundation for relationship with those people and when my ability to give is taken away or limited, I become insecure and usually don't have much desire to relate with that person anymore. Yes. I am that shallow. When there is nothing left for me to give, more often then not, I walk away.

I think that the older I get the less I want to play ball. Meaning. I have less and less patience for relationships with the opposite sex. Period. Don't get me wrong. I throughly enjoy the opposite sex. But I am rarely impressed, and I like to be impressed. Not that any man is wanting to impress me. I just appreciate the novelty of being impressed by a man. Of getting a glimpse of the Image that he is bearing (or trying to bear in honesty). I think I also get very annoyed that "guys" my age are still playing the game with girls that are younger and younger. I am annoyed that I get so annoyed about it. Who cares? I guess I do. I want them to have to grow up too! I feel like my leash has been considerably shortened, why not theirs? And here I am again trying to play Holy Spirit.

Do you know that I have had almost every single guy from my bloody past contact me in one way or another in the last year? Like obsure crushes too. And every single one of them has gotten promptly booted out of my life. It's like I've had to cut every single tie. Severely. I hate admitting this, but I think the older men and woman get, the less they are really allowed to be "friends". Unless there are some pretty clear bounderies. But "buddies" doesn't cut it after a certain age. I guess I'm just too interested in sex to play stupid mind games, and be "buddies" with anyone. Hence the great CLEARING OUT of my sorted history.

Here's to a clean slate and no more "buddies"!

Proximity

I should be in bed, but I figured I'd write a little something. Something about proximity and what it has done to me.

I have been back in KC for a little over a month now and oh what a change. I was talking to a friend the other day about proximity. About how it amazes me that so much can change due to it.

There is so much that I don't understand, but still, in a much more profound way, somehow I am resting and trusting more than I have in a long time. It's like when you've just been through a battle and all you want to do is rest and you don't care where or how. That is sort of how I feel. I've had pictures of myself in this season. It's one of a child that is dirty and shell shocked. Rubbish all around, disoriented and deaf. I know that might seem a bit extreame, but, I suppose, in matters of the heart its very subjective.

Anyway. Proximity. It does the heart wonders. I have hope again, unlike many past seasons of my life. I really do feel like some big changes are coming.

The other day I was sitting at the House of Prayer (can you believe it?! I couldn't either) and I had this simple, yet one of the dearest times I've ever had with Jesus. "I am the Resurrection and the Life" he said. And for the first time in a long time, I believe him.

I was sick, but I had to die in order for all the Glory to go to Jesus. He said, "Roll the stone away." It's time.

Roll that bad boy away.