The heart beats the same as it always has. Some times slow and steady, other times fast and frantic. Today, it’s slow and steady, a little heavy, but she’s still beating. She continues to beat even when I ask her to stop because it hurts the way it does when life happens. But today, its “steady as she goes”.
I was reminded last night, something about trust, something about life.
I was reminded that my heart is above all else, desperately wicked, and that I don’t know it. I was reminded that I don’t trust myself, and unfortunately it translates into me not trusting in God or people. Then I was reminded that somehow it is idolatry. That maybe it isn’t up to me trusting my heart, but really the issue resides somewhere else, where some need has gone unmet, by the only one that can meet it. And presently I am on this blindfolded journey to this mysterious conclusion as to what that might possibly be.
Maybe if I weren’t so melancholy about everything (other than laughing) it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But of course I must over-analyze all of it and therefore pull something apart that maybe doesn’t need to be dismantled.
Simply stated: Trust God.
Such a huge statement. I honestly don’t know how people do it honestly. I have such a wrestle with it that I can only believe that people aren’t telling the whole truth (as sometimes I do while I am talking “victoriously”) and they struggle with it, maybe not as much as I do, but at least more than they let on.
And not that it matters about them anyway. What matters at this moment is me and Jesus: me and my Father.
I had a somewhat jarring reality check last night with honesty and transparency. Someone said something to me that seemed inappropriate and out of context, and knowing their heart I realized they wanted just to be completely honest and forthcoming. And I sadly remembered a time when I was not as tactful as I am now (Yes, I was much worse than I am now…if you can believe it), sadly because I felt more integrity in myself, more honest about who I was when I had less tact. Not that I do not have integrity now, it is in different form I guess.
I wonder if the thing that drives tactlessness for the sake of “I’m just being honest” is from the need to be known and loved. That’s most likely what it was for me. I just wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was at that moment. But then the problem becomes this: what if people love you in ways that you may not recognize as love in the way you receive it, and therefore by placing a “burden of truth” on them for the sake of “honesty and love” you are pushing them away from you.
I don’t know if any of this is lucid at all. Just asking some questions, as usual.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
iffyness
I have been having a hard time remembering who I am lately.
It seems that since I have been home I have been struggling with all the things that I thought were just my doing. But I am discovering that it is mostly this atmosphere around me that helps press these lies into the fabric of whom I thought I was. I read a quote today that intrigued me, “Who you are never changes, just your perception of who you are changes.” And in so many ways I feel that that is true. Because isn’t it true that from before the very foundations of the earth was laid that my true identity was birthed in the heart of God as he began thinking about me, and about who I would be when he put flame into flesh and gave me a name? And from birth I always remained to be that very flame that originated in his heart, but I was born into sin and have been attacked since the day I was born, since before I was born.
It seems to me that when the thought of you enters the heart of your parents when you are found out that somehow darkness sees the type of light that you carry even as a multi-cellular fetus-being knit carefully together in your mother’s womb, and there is a strategy that is birthed in the heart of evil tailor made for you to start ASAP.
That is my belief anyway, because I seem to have been fighting this fight (or losing this fight) my whole life, pretty much without fail. And it still seems to be the very thing that Jesus keeps coming back to, to tell me about who I am. Sometimes it is so tiring hearing it again because I feel like I have failed so many times at becoming who that person is. And I so don’t feel like its ever really possible. But then moments like these remind me that I am not trying to be anyone. I already am who I am supposed to be. I am filled with light and the darkness cannot overwhelm it because it’s Jesus. And if my heart condemns me, that’s okay, because God is greater than my heart. He doesn’t condemn me. Even when I am faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself. That has got to be my life scripture. I cling to that more and more, over and over again.
It’s my story of love and redemption. Jesus and me, or Jesus chasing me, again and again. Relentlessly pursuing me because for a reason I do not understand he deems the fight worth it to him. I cannot comprehend a love like that. It is too great!
What I noticed is that if I am depressed about my life, I just have to talk to someone about what is going on and for whatever reason I get all excited and feel better afterwards. I know that a part of my depression is the fact that I am living a very selfish life and am not giving myself to anyone, except maybe my friends sometimes. And even then it’s iffy.
It seems that since I have been home I have been struggling with all the things that I thought were just my doing. But I am discovering that it is mostly this atmosphere around me that helps press these lies into the fabric of whom I thought I was. I read a quote today that intrigued me, “Who you are never changes, just your perception of who you are changes.” And in so many ways I feel that that is true. Because isn’t it true that from before the very foundations of the earth was laid that my true identity was birthed in the heart of God as he began thinking about me, and about who I would be when he put flame into flesh and gave me a name? And from birth I always remained to be that very flame that originated in his heart, but I was born into sin and have been attacked since the day I was born, since before I was born.
It seems to me that when the thought of you enters the heart of your parents when you are found out that somehow darkness sees the type of light that you carry even as a multi-cellular fetus-being knit carefully together in your mother’s womb, and there is a strategy that is birthed in the heart of evil tailor made for you to start ASAP.
That is my belief anyway, because I seem to have been fighting this fight (or losing this fight) my whole life, pretty much without fail. And it still seems to be the very thing that Jesus keeps coming back to, to tell me about who I am. Sometimes it is so tiring hearing it again because I feel like I have failed so many times at becoming who that person is. And I so don’t feel like its ever really possible. But then moments like these remind me that I am not trying to be anyone. I already am who I am supposed to be. I am filled with light and the darkness cannot overwhelm it because it’s Jesus. And if my heart condemns me, that’s okay, because God is greater than my heart. He doesn’t condemn me. Even when I am faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself. That has got to be my life scripture. I cling to that more and more, over and over again.
It’s my story of love and redemption. Jesus and me, or Jesus chasing me, again and again. Relentlessly pursuing me because for a reason I do not understand he deems the fight worth it to him. I cannot comprehend a love like that. It is too great!
What I noticed is that if I am depressed about my life, I just have to talk to someone about what is going on and for whatever reason I get all excited and feel better afterwards. I know that a part of my depression is the fact that I am living a very selfish life and am not giving myself to anyone, except maybe my friends sometimes. And even then it’s iffy.
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