iffyness

I have been having a hard time remembering who I am lately.

It seems that since I have been home I have been struggling with all the things that I thought were just my doing. But I am discovering that it is mostly this atmosphere around me that helps press these lies into the fabric of whom I thought I was. I read a quote today that intrigued me, “Who you are never changes, just your perception of who you are changes.” And in so many ways I feel that that is true. Because isn’t it true that from before the very foundations of the earth was laid that my true identity was birthed in the heart of God as he began thinking about me, and about who I would be when he put flame into flesh and gave me a name? And from birth I always remained to be that very flame that originated in his heart, but I was born into sin and have been attacked since the day I was born, since before I was born.

It seems to me that when the thought of you enters the heart of your parents when you are found out that somehow darkness sees the type of light that you carry even as a multi-cellular fetus-being knit carefully together in your mother’s womb, and there is a strategy that is birthed in the heart of evil tailor made for you to start ASAP.

That is my belief anyway, because I seem to have been fighting this fight (or losing this fight) my whole life, pretty much without fail. And it still seems to be the very thing that Jesus keeps coming back to, to tell me about who I am. Sometimes it is so tiring hearing it again because I feel like I have failed so many times at becoming who that person is. And I so don’t feel like its ever really possible. But then moments like these remind me that I am not trying to be anyone. I already am who I am supposed to be. I am filled with light and the darkness cannot overwhelm it because it’s Jesus. And if my heart condemns me, that’s okay, because God is greater than my heart. He doesn’t condemn me. Even when I am faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny himself. That has got to be my life scripture. I cling to that more and more, over and over again.

It’s my story of love and redemption. Jesus and me, or Jesus chasing me, again and again. Relentlessly pursuing me because for a reason I do not understand he deems the fight worth it to him. I cannot comprehend a love like that. It is too great!

What I noticed is that if I am depressed about my life, I just have to talk to someone about what is going on and for whatever reason I get all excited and feel better afterwards. I know that a part of my depression is the fact that I am living a very selfish life and am not giving myself to anyone, except maybe my friends sometimes. And even then it’s iffy.