"Let me see your form"

I felt the pull to sing today. It's been a while. I went to the Boiler Room, locked myself into the first floor and started playing my couple of chords on the sticky keyed keyboard. I was surprised to find myself drawn to the Song of Songs. Even more surprising was the pull to chapter two. I can't remember the last time I sung from chapter two. I have been unconsciously avoiding the Song. I am not sure why, but I sort of feel like the intensity of singing from it has been too much for me for the last few years.

I started singing, “Behold he comes...leaping on the mountains, skipping on the hills...” C to F, C to F...

Moving into, “Winter is over, the spring time is come, the season of singing is here...Rise up, my love, come away...flowers are a-blooming on the mountains, in the crags of cliffs...” A to G to F, A to G to F...

Then: “Oh my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places...Oh my love, in the wounds of the lamb, in your closets, let me see your form, let me hear your voice...”

On the inside, in the caves of my heart there was all sorts of things coming up. I felt Jesus' desire for me, and it made me mad because I felt like he said, “Anna, what if I was a black man and desired to see your “form”, and said it was lovely?”

I have long struggled with despising black men for thinking that I am beautiful without knowing me. There is something inside of me that thinks there is something wrong with these men. I have blown them off for the most part because the vast majority of “responses” to my “form” have been lingering looks or cat calls from strangers. Then there are the black men that I actually know. The ones that would not dream of disrespecting me, the ones that love and honor me. They give me the same look sometimes. They use more veiled compliments as to not be vulgar, but still, is there something wrong with them too? Or is it me?

My response to this was, “I didn't know I was so mistaken.” I felt completely convicted. I felt like Jesus was telling me that I was spitting in face of the Unique part of His nature that is embedded in every people group/culture. Something that I believe whole heartedly, though I never dreamed that it would translate into something like this.

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. I asked for the gift of repentance, and feel like this is a deep cavern that needs some serious overhauling so it may take time, but I am willing.