Floating

Do you ever feel like you are floating? Sometimes when I sit real still I feel this turning inside of me. Like I am trying to get out of my own skin. It is a very strange feeling. I feel like that when I'm about to get a migrane sometimes, or when I'm coming down from one. I don't feel a headache coming, but I am exhausted.

I heard about someone I love the other night. Someone who meant the world to me. I heard they were in town (the town in which I now reside, Kansas City btw). I heard they had called an old friend to talk. I have carried them in my heart for years.

I don't think I am safe for this person any longer. But, since knowing them I have wanted to become a safe person for others like them.

I can't live in regret about the foolishness of my youth any more than the next person. I have been living out the consequences of that and much more. I don't know what else it will take for me to become safe, but I am guessing it has to do with me owning stuff and risking and being more open then I have been.

I hear his voice in my head sometimes, scoffing at my attempts, calling me trite. It is honestly the last thing I want to be, but in all of my desire to be sincere and genuine, I still hear it. Why does his opinion matter so much to me anyway? Even knowing that it did would piss him off. I can't please him. I never really realized this, but I've sort of been living a part of my life in the secret hope that one day he won't be indifferant toward me anymore. That he would care and like me again.

It's dumb. I know. He is one fucked up individual. I don't really understand why I should care. But I do. So there.