unrequited love

am I a victim of a serial disease? This strain, this frustration, this longing? Or is it an addiction to pain and lonliness? My "crushes" have been the stain on pages and pages of my journals. Annoyingly persistant and pessimistic. I know going into it that: a: I can't be trusted, and b: you will have to turn me away before the end. This is my disfunction. My disease.

One of them at least.

How do I get out? It isn't like an abusive relationship with someone I can walk away from. It's me. I have to live inside my own skin. I have to deal with these thoughts and emotions daily. I have to all at once stand up to the abuser (read: me) and stop abusing (read: me). Talk about confusing and constantly dangerous.

I live in fear of myself. Of my sexuality, of my fierceness, of my double-mindedness. I think that this past year of my life has drug me to the lowest places I have ever been inside myself. I don't see a way out. I'm trapped in here with no light, with no door. It's dark and cold and lonely and I'm not great company when I am afraid.

I am afraid to move back to Kansas City. I am afraid that I will end up in some "friendship" with a guy that means more to me than it ever will to him. I am afraid that I will not be able to say no. I am afraid that I will always end up in this pattern and never find out what it is to be unafraid and fully loved. I am afraid to move back because what if I don't really belong there either? What if I am just going back because I couldn't fit in here. Didn't want to fit in here. What if all of this is a trick? I don't know where to go. I don't know where I belong.

I had a dream that I keep remembering. It was a long time ago. I drempt I was in this building where I used to go to church. I would sit down in one seat and a few minutes later I would find something wrong with it and have to get up and move. I did this for a vast majority of the dream. The only other thing I can remember from it is that at the end I was painting the back of a school bus with red paint.

I used to do that in church. I couldn't find the right seat, so I would move. I can't just do that in my life anymore. I realize now I have been doing it for years. Even when I lived in Kansas City. I would move communities like I moved seats. Then I exhausted all of those options and I moved cities. There are no attractive communities that I have found here which is why I want to leave. But now I am too afraid to leave because of my past.

All of this probably has some deep connection to my obsession with pain and lonliness. With my attachment disorder and the reason why I attach myself to guys that are safe because they will never attach back.

Hello, my name is Anna. I have deep mother wounds that have kept me moving around my whole life. What's your story?