Redemption

There's got to be redemption somewhere in this story. Redemption, salvation, mercy. My whole life has seemed distantly sad to me, and now...well, like I said, there has to be redemption somewhere.

I've lived under this shadow of watching need overrule love, outrank selflessness, and smother relationship. I am watching the final threads of some tapestry that I looked to as my modal of marriage and family unravel. And I am spent. I have carried this burden for so long. Thinking that their fate would be mine and that somehow I am them and that I am responsible. I have tried through manipulation, through yelling, through thickened silences to cause movement, change to take place. Obviously I am not God.

Obviously I am not God and I cannot save. All I want to do is find the line in my heart and live my own life, not own their mistakes. I think I used to think that I was the only reason that my parents were married. That God really wanted me born so he had to get them together. And now that I exist it dissolves the vows that were made. That was years ago, but here I am again fingering this thought like a familiar blanket.

It seems that I am trying to make sense of the shattered pieces that have been around for so long. We've weaved our way through them gingerly, caring to not cut our feet. But there's been a strong wind lately and they are not out in the familiar pattern, so blood is being let and I am wondering.

How do I care without carrying? How do I love wholeheartedly and yet not take responsibility? How do I let them be them, and keep me as me? I think that I have been the parent for so long that I don't know how to just let them make these huge caverns of hurt be what they are. I was always the interpreter, the defender, the go between. I was never suppose to have that role. I am the daughter. The one who should have been defended. I think I just want life. I am tired of all this death around me. It's been after me since the day I was born and it's tried to take me out many times. But I am not dead yet. I haven't really lived yet either, but I want to at least try. Not just try but thrive.

This is what I want redemption to look like in my life. I want to thrive, as my friend told me to do recently. I want to take risks that I've feared for so long. I keep saying this. But what am I doing about it? Stuck in a revolving door of debt, I feel trapped.

29 years.

Oh God. Help.