New Beginnings

Writing is shit these days. Something subversive in me is taking over my love of words, because maybe in these days of waiting and semi confusion I have no words, I only have waiting and I only have hope and trust in my Father. I don’t know what he is doing. I can only guess and my guesses hopefully fall far short of what is really happening inside me, outside me, all around me.

I’ve been experiencing some intense emotions but have no idea what they are doing because these are very deep. Perhaps it is like a mother waiting and expecting something that has life, breath, and a heart beat to come out of her at the appointed time. And all she can do is wait and care for herself because as she does that her baby is cared for.

So I guess I am saying that this season seems to be about me caring for myself because there is something beautiful about to come out of me. Something full of life and hope and joy. And I don’t know what it is. I would love for it to be an actual child, but that would be impossible. And then again, God is in the business of doing impossible things in me and my life.

I thought it was impossible to be loved and desired, that has been demolished as well as some other hideous lies that have consumed me for the entirety of my life. And the impossible is happening because he is enjoying me right now. And I am letting him enjoy me in all of my beauty, all of my failings, all of my everything. The only thing I know for sure right now is that my Father’s heart is completely for me and completely good. He is the only one I trust with my heart. I think that has been the thing he’s been trying to get at for many, many years, but it is just now entering into the part of my heart that I can actually respond to him in that place.

It is amazing what life circumstances can change the entirety of your internal being. I have turned a corner in my life in the last 3 months. I have become a more whole version of myself. I am like Anna, version 6.1. Just a few short months ago I was like at 4.2, a year ago I was 3.9. And who knows where I will be in another 9 months.

I keep seeing the number 8, which means, I guess, new beginnings. Who I am is so wrapped up in my Father. I love that I can say that. That my heart has settled in this place that says, “no matter what happens, he will be with me, I will be with him.” I have ceased being concerned with how people view me. I am sure some of that is still alive in me, but I am in a space of favor with my Father these days. And I know he sees me through the purest eyes, and the most excited heart about who I am. I love that! He is my biggest cheerleader. That is just a really weak word. He is the Creator of the Universe and he sees me and cares about my heart. His name is on me and his investment is in me and he more than anyone else wants to see all of the glory of himself that he planted in me come out in a brilliant display of joy. And I want to see it too! I want the world to see it! The beauty of this beautiful God in me.

I love that I am being reminded of all of the lost parts of myself. It’s like all these pieces that never seemed to fit in one place are finally finding rest inside of me as I find rest in my Father’s arms. I love that he perfectly wove me together in my mothers womb and that over the last 26 + years of my life he has been meticulously drawing out the colors in this masterpiece. I’ve never understood it before, never appreciated it before. But he’s given me new eyes, and a new heart.

I have begun to experience that the more of God that I see in myself, the more I see in other people. The more beauty of his indelible mark in me, the more in others. It’s an awesome game. I think it may have always been the point.